A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm drunk and he's still weird.