that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
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Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
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I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!