There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
