Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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