so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
