ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
