He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
