i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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