I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
