I'm laying in your front yard are you home
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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