How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
