Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
