The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
