Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
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you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
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And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬