I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
