I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Moan for me like Helen Keller
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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