If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
