5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
