i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
