Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
