I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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