i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Randomize
