What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
