Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
