I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
