I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
