He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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