I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I need moral support for this bender
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
