Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
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