went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
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I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
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Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.