i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
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This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
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i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list