I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room