I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I believe in your delicious
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
