when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize