Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
