Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
