Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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