it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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