I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
