I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
