I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
