he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
