It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
