just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
