Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
