She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
