Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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