Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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