So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
