So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
