Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
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I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
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Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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