Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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