Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
