just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
