two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
