smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
