Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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