Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
