So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
