My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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