nut hugger
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
