If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
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The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
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I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate