we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.