Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.