Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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